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Considering Deconversion

your holy spirit

I don’t want

it makes you arrogant

I watch how you lie

I watch how you take

I watch how you fold your hands

when there is so much to do

I see you behind the scenes

while others see you on the stage

I see you pretend to pray

I see you disregard rules

I also see you interpret the Word

to suit you and your wants

and I don’t want your holy spirit

I don’t want to pretend it’s church

I watched you and lost respect

for every person that shares your title

I’ve watched the hungry at the gate

while you leisurely hide at home

I’ve seen people begging prayer

while you play your games out on the field

I’ve watched you be absent

unless there’s a stage

I’ve watched you steal other’s words

and talk them as your own

and I’ve watched you train others to do the same

I don’t see this holy spirit in the Word

and your holy spirit

I don’t want

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CrossFire

Have you ever thought that maybe we don’t all have divine destinies? That our paths are not really our own…

I was thinking about all the Egyptian mommas that lost their first born sons, and the endless grief visited on the Bethlehem mothers that lost their baby sons after Herod decreed their deaths…

These moms were caught in the crossfire between good and evil.

It was not a chosen path, it was a path thrust on them, a loss to be carried for the rest of their time here on earth…

Do we really get to choose? Or are we all caught in the crossfire between good and evil…

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Letter to my Younger Self

If I had to tell my younger self anything, it would be this:

All those things you are hoping and praying for…they’re not going to happen
All the dreams you hold close to your heart – you will waste your time on them
The seeds you will sow with a good heart – will be a waste as pearls before swine
The people you trust now – will prove to be unworthy
The good you believe is part of the Church – will turn out to be a show
And the biggest takeaway I would tell my younger self – is that not every Hannah is blessed with her baby

At this point – I have no positive words for her – as I look back I see that none of it was worth it
I want to tell her she’s wasting her time – and her gifts – on all the wrong people
And I wonder if the next half of my life will be worth it – time will tell

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Worship Bush

I wrote before about a worship bush that lives in my street.

At certain times of the year this bush has the most intense fragrance as you walk past it. It doesn’t bloom all year, so when I walk past and once again smell the fragrance, I smile. We are both still here. Still holding on. Still a worship bush. But as I’ve got older and more cynical, I’ve realised alot of people in my life claim to be just like this worship bush…but, you know, you never smell a sweet fragrance come from them, their actions, their attitude, their character, their lives…Yet they stand and declare – look at me, look at me, a worship bush. But a genuine worship bush never has to tell people what it is. You just walk past it and you know. Real worship bushes don’t need to yell it. They just are. Think about that. Do you tell people how long you pray daily…yet never bring peace to any interactions with others for all the time you claim to spend in prayer and worship? Think about it. Do you demand others serve and idolize you because you claim to be anointed. Chances are you’re not a worship bush. Think about it.
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Summers End

End of seasons.

As I looked at this sad palm, tired after a harsh and humid summer, I got to thinking how I feel the same.
A season where you have given enough. Until you have nothing left. So you just stand still, frozen, looking worse for wear. That is me in this season. It is autumn now. The seasons have changed. Yet I find myself like this palm.
Pot bound.
Frayed.
Neglected, run down.
Lack luster.
This is me.
Tired yet standing.

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Disappointment and Marvel

So, can disappointment and marvel happen in the same breath?

I had a failed pregnancy attempt this week. I hold disappointment in my heart. Disappointment in my body. Disappointment in failure. Disappointed because of what could have been. Just when I could dare start to hope and dream – it was cut short after only three weeks. But I’m marvelling. I have learnt so much about the wonder of eggs, ovaries, fallopian tubes, my uterus. God went way out when He created us. We are amazing, intricate, glorious and fantastical creatures. And we are made by a creative God ❤️
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An Easter of Disappointment

I believe God is good. I also believe the Church is not.

I have witnessed a weekend which should have been an ideal time to point people to the joy and hope of a Friday turned Sunday…to give hope of resurrection after death…
 
But I have witnessed a Church that does not reflect Jesus’ Body. I have witnessed leaders that are not in the business of serving a flock but rather in the business of a flock serving its leaders.
We are a flock shepherded by hirelings. Hirelings that seek their tummies and the purses to be full but that will not stoop so low as to dirty their hands to serve a flock that so faithfully serves them.
It has saddened my heart and I no longer believe in the church. It is a self-built kingdom that seems Christ-like at first glance, but is just a kingdom where false leaders get rewarded with narcissistic supply.
I have witnessed a weekend where leaders were on holiday…no serving…just front row statues for self-adulation.
A leader who cannot serve is a leader who cannot lead.
And so I come to the conclusion after a whirlwind weekend where hirelings had hands that could not serve but could be raised in worship…a culture where hirelings think the flock is supposed to be at their service for whatever they fancy.
Where are the shepherds that have a heart for the flock…that tend the flock with their own two hands? I have witnessed a church that has deterred me from Church. I would rather find community outside of the church than be part of a kingdom that seeks to serve its leaders as a show of being saved.
The shepherd shepherds his flock. The shepherd doesn’t live a high life where he/she never gets his/her hands busy.
Jesus washed his disciples feet. At what point of ministry did only sitting in the front row and getting fed snacks in a secluded room count as Jesus work? When you can’t mix with your flock you’ve missed the plot. You’re a hireling that’s built a kingdom for your own comfort and gain.
I witnessed a church this Easter that broke my heart….a good congregation with hireling leaders.
And I no longer believe in Church. God is good – His church is not.
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Unless it hurts – you’re not giving

Everyone knows about community. Raw, gritty, community. Family with all its pleasures and its pain.

Before you stand up and declare that you will be in ministry – make sure you’re here to give. Please – there are enough takers in the world already – we don’t need more in the Church. When you come to Church with the mentality “What can the Ministry do for me” you do more harm than good. You subtract rather than add. You cause the ministry to lag, to limp. Everything becomes about what you can receive: what spiritual high will I get today, what spiritual food will I get today, what gift, what message, what will I get that I am supposedly owed, what payment, what rest, what holiday, what fleshly gratification can you ensure I get from being here?

We need more givers: “What can I give here?” …and if it doesn’t hurt – it’s not real giving. Stop taking from the very community that should be reaching outward and not inward. There is no place in Ministry for entitlement. Put on your humble boots and walk in the mud every now and then – for the good of the Kingdom. Who cares if you don’t get the recognition – aren’t we here for God’s glory at the end of the day? You will be surprised how when you help others that God will bless you in your needs. But you can’t just snap your fingers and expect the Church to wait on your needs – not when you’re in community. You become a we and stop being a me, me, me.

If we saw you in a new light, in another realm, what would your soul look like? A decorated soldier in the good fight? or a lazy fat-cat that took all they could from the community in which God planted them?

Ask the hard questions – look in the mirror – self-assess – and just be real. Stop taking and start the real ministry of giving. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you – and start the walk towards eternal value. It’s time. Rise Up!

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This Girl

This girl
this girl
she walked a season of hate
a hard unfair season
where her circle misunderstood
her calling and her actions
this girl
this girl
six years later
six years of slow and steady
rejection
and hurt upon hurt upon hurt
slow and steady
daily
never giving enough
to receive in return
this girl
this girl
has come to the end
of the journey
and the road
and in her hands
is less than
she ever had before
and her heart
is no longer
how much can a heart withstand anyway
this girl
this girl
has reached the end
the season
the road
and she dreams of nothing
she wishes for nothing
and she steps
onto the next road
headed into nothing
this girl
this girl

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UnShepherd

Experience from the sheepfold:

shepherd and sheep
or celebrity and followers
servant or ceo
first or last

I don’t have questions anymore
because I quit
I quit the showmanship
I quit the lying
I quit the inaccuracies
I quit the fake persona
I quit the entitlement
I quit being last
and I quit my future in the sheepfold

six years of learning what I don’t want to be

Maybe God will be gracious
and one day remind you what a shepherd is
maybe not
my own dreams and hopes were put on hold
to serve in a kingdom
that I was mistaken into believing
was THE Kingdom
but fruits have grown
and are there for all to see
that a business has sprung up
no sheepfold here

as our hearts no longer align
and the bright lights
have lured you away
as your watchmen have slept through it all
I leave
I quit
and I offer my sacrifice no more