Month: April 2021

At certain times of the year this bush has the most intense fragrance as you walk past it. It doesn’t bloom all year, so when I walk past and once again smell the fragrance, I smile. We are both still here. Still holding on. Still a worship bush. But as I’ve got older and more cynical, I’ve realised alot of people in my life claim to be just like this worship bush…but, you know, you never smell a sweet fragrance come from them, their actions, their attitude, their character, their lives…Yet they stand and declare – look at me, look at me, a worship bush. But a genuine worship bush never has to tell people what it is. You just walk past it and you know. Real worship bushes don’t need to yell it. They just are. Think about that. Do you tell people how long you pray daily…yet never bring peace to any interactions with others for all the time you claim to spend in prayer and worship? Think about it. Do you demand others serve and idolize you because you claim to be anointed. Chances are you’re not a worship bush. Think about it.

As I looked at this sad palm, tired after a harsh and humid summer, I got to thinking how I feel the same.

A season where you have given enough. Until you have nothing left. So you just stand still, frozen, looking worse for wear. That is me in this season. It is autumn now. The seasons have changed. Yet I find myself like this palm.

Pot bound.

Frayed.

Neglected, run down.

Lack luster.

This is me.

Tired yet standing.

I had a failed pregnancy attempt this week. I hold disappointment in my heart. Disappointment in my body. Disappointment in failure. Disappointed because of what could have been. Just when I could dare start to hope and dream – it was cut short after only three weeks. But I’m marvelling. I have learnt so much about the wonder of eggs, ovaries, fallopian tubes, my uterus. God went way out when He created us. We are amazing, intricate, glorious and fantastical creatures. And we are made by a creative God ❤️

I have witnessed a weekend which should have been an ideal time to point people to the joy and hope of a Friday turned Sunday…to give hope of resurrection after death…

 

But I have witnessed a Church that does not reflect Jesus’ Body. I have witnessed leaders that are not in the business of serving a flock but rather in the business of a flock serving its leaders.

We are a flock shepherded by hirelings. Hirelings that seek their tummies and the purses to be full but that will not stoop so low as to dirty their hands to serve a flock that so faithfully serves them.

It has saddened my heart and I no longer believe in the church. It is a self-built kingdom that seems Christ-like at first glance, but is just a kingdom where false leaders get rewarded with narcissistic supply.

I have witnessed a weekend where leaders were on holiday…no serving…just front row statues for self-adulation.

A leader who cannot serve is a leader who cannot lead.

And so I come to the conclusion after a whirlwind weekend where hirelings had hands that could not serve but could be raised in worship…a culture where hirelings think the flock is supposed to be at their service for whatever they fancy.

Where are the shepherds that have a heart for the flock…that tend the flock with their own two hands? I have witnessed a church that has deterred me from Church. I would rather find community outside of the church than be part of a kingdom that seeks to serve its leaders as a show of being saved.

The shepherd shepherds his flock. The shepherd doesn’t live a high life where he/she never gets his/her hands busy.

Jesus washed his disciples feet. At what point of ministry did only sitting in the front row and getting fed snacks in a secluded room count as Jesus work? When you can’t mix with your flock you’ve missed the plot. You’re a hireling that’s built a kingdom for your own comfort and gain.

I witnessed a church this Easter that broke my heart….a good congregation with hireling leaders.

And I no longer believe in Church. God is good – His church is not.